"what did i do to deserve this? did i kill a child or something worse?

self-pity is pathetic, although sometimes it is perfectly fine to indulge in a little bit of those once in a while.

you could call it a luxury if you want.

everyone has their coping mechanisms and whatnot. some sleep, some rant, some eat, some curse, some blast angry music into their ears, some fume-inwardly, swearing to right the wrong one day.

whatever it is, it's ok. really.

but if there's one think i'm going to make sure of this year, is not to turn self-pity into resentment or, inevitably, anger. of course, more often than not, it doesn't go into any particular order. but its this three key... things that maketh one's life miserable.

i mean, i don't particularly hate anything right now. or, strongly dislike anything for that matter. but i figured i might as well wave a flag of some sort before i drown. it'll be a magenta pink flag, a mixture of white and bloody bright red. all because i can't decide whether to surrender or head towards a whole herd of menacing irony gods, patiently waiting for me to walk right up to them for a large serving of humiliation and idiocy, medium rare.

i mean, i might as well do both and surrender AND fill my head with fire and pseudo-enthusiasm to Xplore, Xcite, Xcel.

really, i'm this close to hiding behind a barricade of apathy. this close to running to the Himalayas so that i can be a hermit, attain nirvana and tell myself that everything i left was just an illusion.

i mean no offense to buddhists everywhere. what i meant was that IF i did decide to go on a pilgrimage of some sort, or get inducted into a religious sect, i want to make sure its because i'm not running away. i don't want to decide something is al 'illusion' because i can't cope.

not that i'm contemplating it. its just a what-ifish, passing thought. i swear.

i figured there has to be some meaning to this... thing. to the whole idea of ME. from the little mundane stuff to the wacky half-hearted ideas to the bigger picture to the minute details. there has to be a reason why a thousand and one things have factored themselves into making my life so rooted to obligations.

because 15 minutes ago, i asked myself if i felt forced into doing the things i do or being who i am and i'm terribly disturbed that it came to a point where i had to ask myself such an atrocious thing.

and i don't really like that the answer is terribly obvious, too.