lay-zee lah

shiok siah.

i didn't make my bed today because i spent the whole day propped up against pillows, watching mushi-shi till the last episode.

i have this sudden urge to cook.

i wonder if the house is insured?

twisted.

i can't believe i'm really leaving.

i'm really leaving? i'm really leaving. i'm really leaving!

i know its a little conceited of me but i secretly like being asked to stay. so now, its not a secret anymore, is it? i thrive on being important. i mean, it's real nice, you know? especially when people go "caaaaaaat, why you goooo??? don't go lah. then how? who want to help me blah blah blah" and i mysteriously answer "but i have to lah."

waaaah aku suka, man!

yet, i can't help but feel miserable.

i've been looking through all the stupid videos and photos we've taken, tearing a little, sighing alot, wishing i didn't, you know. well. you know.

shit.

my last day's 3 days away and i already have knots in my stomach and my throat hurts like how it'll hurt when you're trying not to braaaaawl.

shiiit lah.

i doubt i was ever this emotional when i broke up with somebody. or when i had a tiff with somebody. or when i get silent treatments. or when i gave silent treatments. or when things get overwhelming. i thought i was heartless, man! now i know better.

i keep telling myself, i might as well leave now before i chalk up more happy/sad memories that make me more attached to the place than i already am.

but really, i like the melancholy at the same time.

i'm just glad i'm feeling this way. to tell you the truth, i'm mighty happy i found something that was so important to me, so impactful that i dread leaving so much. my time there was probably even more important than my time at pri or sec school. probably WILL BE more important than my time at poly, too. considering.

i could go on and on but then, you'd think i was an emo wuss, making a mountain out of a molehill. i could just go on and on, typing furiously the many random incidents we've had. how we laughed. how we fought. how i felt i wasnt being taken seriously when i first started running shifts. how i always made fun of our assistant manager's insatiable appetite. how mak mah would baby us when we whined and ranted. how we tricked benny, iven and raju into thinking we were all lesbians. how i found the mak ciks huddled in a corner in the kitchen, watching porn. how we cheered each other up with notes in the lockers, coded messages in the communication book and random surprises in the fridge. how we'd spill our innermost secrets to each other; what we feared, who we loved, why we were bitter, what we really thought we lived for, how we planned to make it big. oh, and how much we ate!

eh leh.

i'm getting too wistful for my liking. its not like they'll disappear right? =D

need to get a bag big enough for me to clear my locker. i even have a piggy bank there, can you believe it?

it would've been the prettiest thing

The Story.

honeybunch pumpkin pie yummy yummy yum, you've been had.

it's that time of the year again, where you get a terrifying jolt of realisation that the end of the year is but 3 months away.

twenty oh eight. why am i even thinking about it? i'm nineteen. i'm supposed to feel invincible and plenty of untapped super powers that could potentially help me take over the world single-handedly. i'll never die and if i did, i'd be resurrected within three days. (GAAAAAAASP! BLASPHEMY!!!!!!!!!! BUH-LAS-FUH-MAY!!!!)

but, you know, despite me being happy (most of the time) and all, i can't help but be paranoid of the impending doom coming my way. our way. it's like the calm before the storm. or the huge breath you take before screaming shrilly.

maybe its just the prospect of the new school term or the many subtle changes happening that's making me a little wary. seems to me like everyone i know is making some form of life-changing decision, leaving me where i am now, which was where i was before.

*****

i need to digress a little because this is a VIP for me to make. A VERY IMPORTANT POINT. see, i'm looking at my fingernails now and, god, they're hideous. they don't look like fingernails even. sheesh. i'm betting five months worth of fingernail-chewing did that. i'll probably die from keratin ingestion or something. would you be sad? for me, i mean. hmmmmmm?

gosh, i don't know why but i feel like i'm on top of the world. i'm so happy, i'm kinda scared. it's not right for things to go, well, right! right? right! right. hardehar.

wahlau i FEEL hyper. its so wrong. i just wanna start running. or singing. or laughing, no, guffawing, at the littlest things.

funny how food can change your mood =)

blame it upon the rush of blood to the head

i've got a new job! i haven't quit THE RESTAURANT though, cos i'm a wuss and that place has a strange hold on me.

i can't let goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. plus, its the easiest place to make money.

but the new place is cool. i start on friday. that's my off day but i dont give a damn! they give caaaaaash! KA-CHINGGG.

but well. soon. i made a few goals just now. and i plan to scrimp and save and have AT LEAST a thousand buckeroos in my bank account by next year. that probably means that i can't quit sanur any time soon. nyeh heh. excuses excuses.

3 ways to achieve this.

1. work like shit before school starts and not shop or watch movies or spend anyhow on miscellaneous stuff/activities. HAH.

2. stop being late so that abang won't cut my pay. boss' decision because he's a wuss who hasn't gotten any for centuries. the fine's one minute, one dollar and last month i got 33 bucks deducted! what a fucker. good thing abang's a nice person sometimes :) i mean, you really think i chocked up ONLY 33 minutes of lateness last month??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MAN. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

3. bodek tomok, fiona style. this includes smiling alot when he visits the outlet and offering him iced tea. also, layaning him and not ignoring him and telling him that his ugly banner is actually guh-guh-guh-gorgeous. HAHAHA yeah. i'm fucking kidding you. boss doesn't deserve it. which boss does?

oh yeah. and one more thing.

4. leverage on the weekday lunchtime office crowd and get as much tips as i can! because of our new-found motivation factor (KA-CHINGGG!!), shorty, zara and i are trying very hard to pretend the customers aren't a bunch of coprocephalics with platinums and we're succeeding! yayzors. KA-CHING, KA-CHING, KAAAAA-CHINGGGGG!

anyway, to not make you think that i'm money-minded and materialistic and shallow, i'm going to make the last part of the post heartfelt and filled with warmth and love and all that jazz.

i love my daddy because he's old and he makes me feel like i must protect him now. and despite him having most of his teeth taken out and having a hard time eating, i still think he's macho.

its no cause for concern

sigh. phil's stupid friend is in his room and they're having a bloody loud conversation about school. whaaaaaaat daaaaa fuuuuuck lah. get a life and go home or something. its 2 plus in the fucking aye am, godammit.

omg is phil gay?!?! that would be damn funny.

but ok lah. his friend is quite cute. very deeeeeep voice. nyeh heeeh. a very DEEP THROATed voice. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA OMG LAAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

but not bad. phil has taste.

if he's gay, that is. IF.

course, i'd still love him. gay or not. he's my baby brother.

AND WATCH RABBIT-PROOF FENCE. it is the most heart wrenching tale ever, if you're in that kinda mood lah.

will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

I can't sleep again, man. wahlau. So i've decided to keep myself entertained with the three vcds we rented for the sleepover last friday. Yeap. Rewatching em cos its either those or Matrix Revolution. Or animatrix. All from phil's stash of, well, stash, ok. Not mine loh.

Sigh. The Illusionist is making me bored. Have you ever felt bored but wide awake before? Both don't go hand in hand but for my case, it does BECAUSE I'M DAMN SUAY.

know how bored i am?

THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS FUH-REAAAAAKING BORED. If i continue to be this bored, i swear, i'll turn to something drastic.

Like uh. Shaving my - ok, no- like like like cooking! And popping by Chris' place in the wee wee hours of the morning to force-feed her my specially made double-boiled salt water.

Don't think i wouldn't.

NOW MAKE ME SLEEP, GODDAMMIT!

la vie boheme!!

uh yeah ok nightoes.